im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Come see our sink grown plant.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
