I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i love accidental penises.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
