i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
