Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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