At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
