If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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