His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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