I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
