I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
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