and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
