On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
