I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
