listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
