I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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