she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
