I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
