he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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