My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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