3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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