My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
