Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
