It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
