I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
