I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
