party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
