Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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