I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Drunk is a universal language darling
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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