Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
