My liver just broke up with me...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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