My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
