I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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