If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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