he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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