I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
