true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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