She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
