I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
