there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
