Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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