So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
