i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
