Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
