At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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