I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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