Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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