I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
