Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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