and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
