all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
