Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
