I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
dude. I can hear the air.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
