Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
