I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
sarcasm needs its own font
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
