i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
