we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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