my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
