May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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