i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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