i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
