Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
