I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
